I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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