...so i touched it.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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