i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
