I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize