Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize