I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
