I just saw a hot homeless man
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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