There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
