Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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