I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
