I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
