You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
