ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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