Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
