Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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