What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
