What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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