Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize