actually, I'm a sock model
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
50% drunk capacity currently
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
