I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's official drugs can't kill me
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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