I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
