FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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