My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
