I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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