Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
