allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So apparently I’m into choking now
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