1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
