i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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