his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
