If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
