I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
