allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My hand turned me down
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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