you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
