I wannas sexs uuuuu
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
