i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
