mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he puts the penis in happiness.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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