i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
