I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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