my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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