Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
