He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
