Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
