Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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