i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
