so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
