I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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