Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
