Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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