if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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