I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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