It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
