Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
