wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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