Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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