Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
