honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
