Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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