matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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