Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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