She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize